I heard on the radio that a ‘dangerous murderess’ had been taken for a stroll round the local ‘Toys ‘R’ Us’ and decided not to return to the secure mental hospital whence we had thought she was safely incarcerated.

We were warned that she was sooo dangerous that we shouldn’t approach her – although she had apparently been approaching us all afternoon, unbeknown to us. Never mind, I am a public minded citizen, I took careful note of her description and kept a sharp eye out so that I could phone the police if I spotted her.

The police had been careful to give me clues as to how I could distinguish her from the thousands of other ladies of ‘large build’ lumbering around the shopping centre.

She had a mole under both eyes.

Could it be this lady, I wondered?

She looked harmless enough, but I was loath to disturb her afternoon’s shopping unfairly, especially when I spotted this lady standing closely behind her……

Give us another clue folks? Ah!, a scar on her neck…..could it be….?

Could it be this lady?

Nope.

Another clue then?

Wearing a red coat? Half the population seems to be wearing a red coat, doesn’t help much.

There must be something that would distinguish her from 90% of the people round her. Missing her left leg perhaps, or has a toy tricycle welded to her right ear, or walks on her hands instead of her feet, I mean its important that we find her and you do want our help don’t you?

Ah! I see you’ve finally released a photograph. Something you didn’t mention in your description instantly comes to mind.

Now which is more important – our safety and returning Patricia Gillette to a secure hospital – or your half baked politically correct agenda?

Patricia Gillette is not just large, she is a 25 stone Afro-Caribbean.

Something you might notice before you get close enough to search for itsy bitsy moles under her eyes.

That narrows the field down a bit. Give me strength.