10 days ago, Flash Gordon announced that he had less than 50 days in which to save the world. The main stream press have responded to his dilemma in magnificent fashion, and the suggestions of how we can cut our ‘carbon footprint’ are flooding in thick and fast.
Who knew, for instance, that next door’s Labrador had twice the carbon footprint of your Gas Guzzling 4.6-litre Toyaota Land Cruiser? Simples, run next door’s Labrador over on your way home tonight, and you have just lopped two thirds off your combined carbon footprint.
No need to put your plasma TV on standby, ignore the eco-warriors entreaties to do so, just get out the barbeque tonight and grill the kid’s pet Guinea Pigs – two Guinea Pigs equalling instant availability of ‘Britains’ Got Talent. 30 million Peruvians can’t be wrong.
You may be glad of the Guinea Pig meat as it happens, despite the £420,000 collected from our poorest citizens and donated via the Lottery fund to help Peruvian Farmers breed fatter Guinea Pigs, here in the UK, eating meat is Sternly frowned upon.
Lord Stern himself thinks that we all need to become Vegetarian in order to save the world. Methane Gas from cows and pigs is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas. He is insistant that Barrack Obama must fly to Copenhagen next month to tell us all that.
Perahps if Barrack stays home we will have enough carbon credits to break out the pork scratchings once more. If the rest of the ‘20,000 delegates from 192 countries’ that are due to fly into Copenhagen (calculate their carbon footprint here) stay home as well we could even run to a pork chop.
To be really carbon neutral though, you should just take the dog out with an air riffle thoughtfully, casseroled with a few Guinea pigs and portioned out between the neighbours, you will avoid firing up the Land Cruiser, avoid turning on the freezer for the surplus and be able to watch a happy Lord Stern congratulating Gordon on saving the world on your plasma TV at the same time.
Give me strength.
- First Class posts on Wednesday Letters From A Tory
- October 28, 2009 at 23:03