Flash Gordon now has 40 days to save the world.
10 days ago, Flash Gordon announced that he had less than 50 days in which to save the world. The main stream press have responded to his dilemma in magnificent fashion, and the suggestions of how we can cut our ‘carbon footprint’ are flooding in thick and fast.
Who knew, for instance, that next door’s Labrador had twice the carbon footprint of your Gas Guzzling 4.6-litre Toyaota Land Cruiser? Simples, run next door’s Labrador over on your way home tonight, and you have just lopped two thirds off your combined carbon footprint.
No need to put your plasma TV on standby, ignore the eco-warriors entreaties to do so, just get out the barbeque tonight and grill the kid’s pet Guinea Pigs – two Guinea Pigs equalling instant availability of ‘Britains’ Got Talent. 30 million Peruvians can’t be wrong.
You may be glad of the Guinea Pig meat as it happens, despite the £420,000 collected from our poorest citizens and donated via the Lottery fund to help Peruvian Farmers breed fatter Guinea Pigs, here in the UK, eating meat is Sternly frowned upon.
Lord Stern himself thinks that we all need to become Vegetarian in order to save the world. Methane Gas from cows and pigs is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas. He is insistant that Barrack Obama must fly to Copenhagen next month to tell us all that.
Perahps if Barrack stays home we will have enough carbon credits to break out the pork scratchings once more. If the rest of the ‘20,000 delegates from 192 countries’ that are due to fly into Copenhagen (calculate their carbon footprint here) stay home as well we could even run to a pork chop.
To be really carbon neutral though, you should just take the dog out with an air riffle thoughtfully, casseroled with a few Guinea pigs and portioned out between the neighbours, you will avoid firing up the Land Cruiser, avoid turning on the freezer for the surplus and be able to watch a happy Lord Stern congratulating Gordon on saving the world on your plasma TV at the same time.
Give me strength.
- First Class posts on Wednesday Letters From A Tory
- October 28, 2009 at 23:03
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
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1
October 28, 2009 at 15:55 -
“Methane Gas from cows and pigs is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas.”
I wish to nominate Buffalo Bill Cody as the patron saint of a fart-free earth.
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2
October 28, 2009 at 16:27 -
“Methane Gas from cows and pigs is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide as a global warming gas.”
Sure. And if we kill all the animals and go veggie, what about the increased methane contribution from the human population? I think we are talking about a zero-sum situation here.
Beans, beans, the musical fruits
The more you eats, the more you toots. -
3
October 28, 2009 at 16:41 -
Increased methane from humans!
I flatulently deny this trumped up charge.
(Ah, Ms Raccoon. You know your commenter’s so well)
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4
October 28, 2009 at 16:49 -
Save the world eat a greenie!
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5
October 28, 2009 at 17:07 -
A sigh is but a breath of wind,
That cometh from the heart.
But, should it take a downward course,
‘Tis often called a fart.
To fart it is a pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease,
It scents and warms the bedclothes
And suffocates the fleas.Where’eer you be, let your wind gang free!
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6
October 28, 2009 at 17:15 -
Surely all we need is to fit cows with a device to ignite the farts to mitigate the methane problem.
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7
October 28, 2009 at 17:43 -
8
October 28, 2009 at 17:55 -
Time to serve up next doors cat as roof rabbit.
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9
October 28, 2009 at 18:21 -
Let’s not be too quick to pooh-pooh the subject of increased methane from humans; there may be a whiff of truth in the suggestion.
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10
October 28, 2009 at 18:50 -
Gordon could save the world by helping to make a methane free parliament.
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11
October 28, 2009 at 19:20 -
What a load of tosh! Firstly, AGW is certainly unproven, probably irrelevant compared with sunspot activity and the (only just becoming understood) long-term sun cycles & it’s unlikely industrial societies will allow their economies to be wrecked in the name on this non-science.
If these politicos really believed the CO2 doom scenario crap they emit (along with the methane from their rich diets), they would set up a video conference, rather than fly to Copenhagen!
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12
October 28, 2009 at 19:22 -
It’s easy to get all sniffy about Gordon’s efforts to save the world. Anyone would think he was Public Enema Number One or something.
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13
October 28, 2009 at 20:47 -
My own theory is that the carbon footprint is 90% down to Peter Hain’s disgustingly huge feet. As a carbon being with feet that are in Swindon when he’s in Netherhopping, he must sooner or later accept responsibility for this his biggest known crime against the planet. The other ten per cent comes from his methane-emitting facial orifice. Thus could the global warming problem be solved by inserting the aforementioned feet in the mouth of the Peter of the first part: no methane, no footprint, end of.
Yesterday Man -
14
October 28, 2009 at 21:12 -
And thus the argument turns full circle, john – we are talking about huge plates of meat, after all.
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15
October 29, 2009 at 00:09 -
Dear Ms. Raccoon,
Hahh!
The clocks have just gone back and like most Britons I am still reeling from the annual jet-lag but I will gamely attempt to cobble together a rant.
Those who adore me will attest that there is not an islamophobic bone in my tongue nor a sexist bone in my privates, but if global warming leads to muslim women wearing mini-burkhas (a bag over the head revealing puss-in-boots legs up to the armpits) this could yet be a win/win situation for mankind and the civilized world, by my estimation … by George, yes!.
Global warming, my arse! Where I am it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys, but it would be uncharitable to raise a dactylion to the heavens and howl “Sit on that, you solid gold tosspot crypto-fascist bunny-hugging, tree-snogging, ablutophobic, hippy underpants change deniers!” No! We must indulge in the pretence of dialogue.
In a nod to trendy intellectual relativism we must now think of these thick twassocks as merely “differently thoughted” lest they prove sufficiently sensate to harbour hurt feelings at the guffaws of derision that might otherwise engulf them.And yet let us pause a moment. Aerosols talking utter bollocks and thus bombarding the ozone layer with hot air and testiculates and exhorting us not to bury our heads in the sand and walk away; helped by prominent bandwagonistas such as that hopeless, jug-eared twit Prince Charles and the jumentous ratbag to whom he is sibbled. It not only beggars belief, it robs reason, skintifies skepticality and waylays the wallet of Wittgenstein – who’s the bad guy here? I mean, what the hell’s wrong with people? Let us remember the lessons of history. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep she didn’t piss and moan, she just strapped on a prosthetic lamb and got the hell on with her life. And the British people can too.
Okay, the unemployed should be rendered down for animal foodstuffs and fertilizer along with all the other groups that this government hates – smokers, drinkers, fat people. But if they fart methane? How then will we feel clever?
Yours in disgusted adoration,
Brigadier Nadgers.
p.s. Arghh! Hmphh!!
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16
October 29, 2009 at 00:50 -
Well said, Brigadier Nadgers! On behalf of all Fairytale Characters condemned to live out fictional lives in the unrewarding company of dull ruminants or skittish arachnids, I would like to thank you for drawing attention to our long-suffering fortitude and application to task. Although I am regularly startled by my leggy companion, I wish it to be known that I have never actually been frightened away for more than 5 minutes and I have always returned to my Tuffet, albeit grim-faced and in poor humour, ready to face a new alarm-filled day. And, as you say, the British people can too.
PS: Any time you fancy a bowl of curds and whey, just give me a wave, providing your limbs aren’t too thickly-furred.
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17
October 29, 2009 at 00:59 -
This is all very well Brigadier Nadgers, but it’s Excused Boots Hain we have to fear. The man is a walking global warning, and no amount of your Bloomsbury soft-soap will convince me otherwise.
Of course, there are other factors: tractors, enactors and misguided benefactors to name but seven. But mark my words, feet are at the heart of this issue. Disgraceful feet made larger and flatter by treading all over the Veld of Sarth Ifrika, and the views of others.
We shall not have peace in the World until Peter Hain’s leg-bottom extremities are fired far out into space. And the world population has been reduced a bit by global endemicals such as swinish aviator flu. And we’re all vegans. And every paedophile, whale and dolphin is dead, and every member of Greenpeace slain with the assbone of a jaw. -
18
October 29, 2009 at 01:12 -
Has no-one considered the environmental impact on the southernmost reaches of the British Isles of polygamous men traipsing to and fro, lugging with them up to seven wives, each of whom are laden with sacks full cats and kittens?
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19
October 29, 2009 at 01:25 -
Well, I’ve actually seen a cow be so surprised by a powerful fart that she jumped right over the moon. It was just awful. This methane’s a powerful and dangerous thing alright.
We wus all stunned. Except the little dog, who just laughed.
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20
October 29, 2009 at 02:48 -
I fully expect Lewis Caroll to pitch up any time now. Mind you in present company he will probably sound a bit Once upon a Time, rather than his normal oblique.
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21
October 29, 2009 at 10:22 -
I’d be careful – apparently Goldilocks is getting well p’d off with the blonde jokes and is supporting the right to arm bears. Be warned!
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