Good Morning, this is your captain speaking. I would like to welcome you aboard my maiden flight.
I’ve never flown a plane before, I’ve never worked on a plane, I’ve never even been inside a plane before, but I’m sure I can manage.
The Pilot Selection Committee was very impressed with my promise to buy a house near the airport if I got this job. They approved of my hobbies too, especially the yoghurt pot collecting and the ‘dob your neighbour in’ award – and I am very famous, you all know my name.
I spent three weeks before the selection committee meeting looking though the perimeter fence at all the planes taking off. That fully qualifies me for tackling all the problems you may encounter on this flight.
That nice Mr Cameron offered to put me on the ‘all female’ short list for pilots, because he thought I should ‘have a chance’ to fly this plane. Then Mr Brown said he would support a transgender pilot, so I hot footed it down here with my partner, Mr Goat, who really wowed the selection board with his painted hooves, and his recipe for Entering the House of Lords by the back door.
Stop sniggering in the back there, that’s a clear example of beastiaphobia and it’s against the law you know.
Et Voila! Here I am, in total charge of your journey through the turbulent air space of this recession.
I will only be reluctantly flying your plane on one Friday afternoon per month, by appointment; the rest of the time you will be relieved to know you will be on auto-pilot whilst I jet off around the world learning about endangered turtles, climate change in exotic locations, and terrorism anywhere there is a duty free lounge.
This flight will last for five years, and you will not get a chance to disembark.
No Smoking, No Drinking, No Eating, whilst on board; the stewards will collect a fresh tax levy every five minutes for your enjoyment.
Parachutes are only provided for the air crew to take up their positions.
Fasten your seat-belts, Ladies, Gentlemen and Indeterminate Others; we shall arrive at Mytrough in record time.
Over and Snout.