I’m Piglet, Fly Me!
Ding-Dong!
Good Morning, this is your captain speaking. I would like to welcome you aboard my maiden flight.
I’ve never flown a plane before, I’ve never worked on a plane, I’ve never even been inside a plane before, but I’m sure I can manage.
The Pilot Selection Committee was very impressed with my promise to buy a house near the airport if I got this job. They approved of my hobbies too, especially the yoghurt pot collecting and the ‘dob your neighbour in’ award – and I am very famous, you all know my name.
I spent three weeks before the selection committee meeting looking though the perimeter fence at all the planes taking off. That fully qualifies me for tackling all the problems you may encounter on this flight.
That nice Mr Cameron offered to put me on the ‘all female’ short list for pilots, because he thought I should ‘have a chance’ to fly this plane. Then Mr Brown said he would support a transgender pilot, so I hot footed it down here with my partner, Mr Goat, who really wowed the selection board with his painted hooves, and his recipe for Entering the House of Lords by the back door.
Stop sniggering in the back there, that’s a clear example of beastiaphobia and it’s against the law you know.
Et Voila! Here I am, in total charge of your journey through the turbulent air space of this recession.
I will only be reluctantly flying your plane on one Friday afternoon per month, by appointment; the rest of the time you will be relieved to know you will be on auto-pilot whilst I jet off around the world learning about endangered turtles, climate change in exotic locations, and terrorism anywhere there is a duty free lounge.
This flight will last for five years, and you will not get a chance to disembark.
No Smoking, No Drinking, No Eating, whilst on board; the stewards will collect a fresh tax levy every five minutes for your enjoyment.
Parachutes are only provided for the air crew to take up their positions.
Fasten your seat-belts, Ladies, Gentlemen and Indeterminate Others; we shall arrive at Mytrough in record time.
Over and Snout.
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1
October 21, 2009 at 1:19 pm -
Snort.
As parachutes are provided, I might apply. Ageism not withstanding.
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2
October 21, 2009 at 1:32 pm -
There’s the flying pigs. Lets hope they don’t have to fly through Scotch Mist.
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3
October 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm -
Arghh! New Labour became a parody of the Tories to win in ‘97, now the Tories are parodying Labour’s parody of themselves to win in 2010. It’s all getting too confusing with “snog a hoodlum” and “only short women” lists. I won’t begin to consider possibly voting even slightly Conservative until they come clean about their policies on important stuff like the EU and the Lisbon Treaty referendum. Oh, and how many anti-freedom laws will they repeal?
Come on Dave! It’s time to stop nervously tweaking the lighting and ambience – get your kit off so we can see what you’ve got.
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4
October 21, 2009 at 3:43 pm -
Ooyer, for a minute there I thought you were just on about politics instead of useful livestock. On Saturday 14 February in “Economic Theory For The Day” I introduced the concept of The Das Fliegen Schwein Theory of Economics, perhaps you are coming round to the idea.
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5
October 21, 2009 at 3:48 pm -
‘Twas an evening in October, I’ll confess I wasn’t sober,
I was carting home a load with manly pride,
When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:
“You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,”
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.
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6
October 22, 2009 at 7:58 pm -
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
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7
October 24, 2009 at 5:07 pm -
I heard a rumour this idea is being pitched as film to star Gregory Pecary..
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