Gordon Brownâs curiously animatedÂ appearance on YouTube yesterday can only have been as a result of the Susan Boyle phenomena; someone had told him that it no longer matters what you look like, the world will pay attention when you open your mouth on YouTube. They forgot to tell him that this relies upon the world enjoying what they hear.
Gordon alighted on YouTube to announce the introduction of the âNational Clocking in Schemeâ for MPs. In scenes that will be reminiscent of the Liverpool Docks in the 1960s, MPs are going to be given a daily pay rateÂ â merely for turning up to work. No more casually hanging around Prime Ministerâs Question Time, and then sloping off for a three week sun drenched tour to investigate how Peru is increasing the breeding rate of Guinea Pigs.
It will result in an entirely new parliamentary lexicon. Let me give you a flavourÂ â further entries gratefully received.
âThe Westminster Armsâ, favouredÂ â and nearest – public house, will be renamed âThe Weltâ, in honour of the docker’s MPsÂ peculiar working practice of sloping off to the pub while their mates did their share of work in return for a similar favour.
Troughing MPs will be uniformly nicknamed âDieselâ. âDiesel do our kidâ being the common cry as dockers rifled through that which did not belong to them and carted their booty off home.
âThe Wig and Penâ public house, slightly further away, but still favoured, will be renamed simply the âPenâ in remembrance of the dockside pens where workers MPs waited humiliatingly for a tap on the shoulderÂ â or not if their face didnât fitÂ â for casual work a place on a select committee sitting that day.
Arriving for a day’s work will henceforth be known as âGhostinâÂ â the practice whereby you got a day’s work in order to watch someone else do the work whilstÂ doing nothingÂ yourself.
The bitter cry of âScabâ will ring out as disgraced MPs form a scrum (should that be a âscumâ Ed) outside the Houses of Parliament to try to prevent those who have not yet been ‘caught out’ from clocking on and collecting their dole money.
Liverpool has a long history of bone idle layabouts, drunks and thieves, and thus the language of lâhiver poule is perfectly suited to the new reformed Houses of Parliament.
I am a Scouse by the way – (before you start Anonymong).
*The contents of one’s nose when inspected on the end of your finger before being consumed!