Chairman Brown’s campaign to divide and conquer the population through fear and intimidation has a new target this morning.

Now that smokers are safely corralled in windswept doorways puffing on their soggy dog ends, and the drinkers inside the pubs are scared to have a second pint in case they turn into a see through example of secondary tumours, whilst preserving the tax income from two legal products – drink and cigarettes, his evangelical eye, pausing briefly to take over the village shop and stock it with government issue yellowing cabbages, has hit on – motorists.

Having persuaded us all to buy a new car, and got his sticky hands on the road tax, and the Vat – he wants us to stay at home.

Not only are we mowing down some 3,000 innocent citizens a year by driving our cars, in some cases by paying full attention to our driving only seconds after finishing a series of angry text exchanges, but we are causing the early deaths of 50,000 tofu munching, asthmatic, hard working labour drones who seek only to reach their government sponsored job as outreach councillor for Somalian pirates, now forced to endure the less lucrative coast off Southend, by bicycle.

50,000 deaths from secondary car driving – it’s horrific.

Naturally motorists must be banned from using the green fairways inhabited by ‘Friends of the Earth’ on two wheels. I say ‘Friends of the Earth’ advisedly, for that is where this all started. They made a submission to the Procedure Committee complaining about this in 1990. Labour eyes gleamed, and it made it into the 1994 Labour party policy document “In Trust for Tomorrow” – now it has emerged onto the Pravda web site as fully formed fear mongering.

EAC chairman Tim Yeo said: “Air pollution probably causes more deaths than passive smoking, traffic accidents or obesity […] In the worst affected areas this invisible killer could be taking years off the lives of people most at risk, such as those with asthma.”

The report added more research was needed to understand the impact of ‘particulates’ created by wear on tyres and brakes and those lying on the road which are whipped up into the air by passing vehicles.

You can see the problem straight away – in an effort to reduce the number of pedestrians mowed down, we have been stamping on our brakes as soon as the overweight zombies step out in front of us, and this is causing ‘particulate matter’ to rise up and get them in the lungs on the way home…..(that’s if the smoker’s in the doorways don’t get them).

They could put up the duty on fuel to dissuade us from going out in our shinny new cars, as they have done with alcohol, but if that doesn’t work, the only solution left is that we can only use our cars inside our own property (always providing no children are present).

Health and Safety will have to make regular inspections to ensure that our garage is totally air tight, all orifices sealed, and then we can light a fag, take a slug of whisky, and start our engine….

Problem solved, only the righteous left on earth.

I suppose a decent cremation is out of the question.

uberVU – social comments

March 22, 2010 at 10:06

1
Thaddeus J. Wilson March 22, 2010 at 09:04

The treacherous Mr Yeo, who makes so much of his money from “green” scares, will be my candidate for first Tory against the wall, come the glorious revolution.

Much like the malign BBC who have most of the their pension ensconced in “green” funds, Mr Yeo only endorses this scaremongering because he directly profits from it.

Yet such blatant profiteering is completely ignored by the media. All of which makes me wonder where they are hiding their pension funds.

2
Uncle Marvo March 22, 2010 at 09:06

Well blogged, The Raccoon.

I am a bit afraid at the moment. I have an iPhone. I have had to buy a McBook, in order to write an app for it. It is white, and very pretty, and McLike.

I am told, however, that if I smoke anywhere near it, it will invalidate the warranty. At £nearly800, that could be a bit of a McCow.

And I have googled, and it is all true.

Weep.

3
pedantic March 22, 2010 at 09:08

anna, ive got a tandem… do you fancy a ride!

4
Alan March 22, 2010 at 09:26

Something that might be of interest: Toronto smog models exaggerate health issues – where are the bodies?

5
Tractor Stats and counting March 22, 2010 at 09:37

Old ladies shopping trolleys and suit cases with extending handles and little wheels on the bottom, they’d be my next target, the damage to pedestrian pavements by these little monsters is colossal. They also take up 63.7% of Taxi luggage space and we all know what an environmental disaster that little number is.

6
Gloria Smudd March 22, 2010 at 10:28

Let’s not forget that throughout the land’s sitting rooms and sh*tting rooms the ‘air quality’ is ‘controlled’ by plug-in or atomising ‘room fragrancers’, shooting out who-knows-what combination of asthma-inducing chemicals round the clock. So naturally, it’s the motorist who’s to blame. Sheesh.

7
Elephant never forgets March 22, 2010 at 10:43

And what about all that secondary Global warming from all the hot air from that source in Westminster?

8
lenko March 22, 2010 at 11:58

But there are government plans to equip all households with Gord-a-Fresh plug in air purifiers, which will secretly transmit to Whitehall details of everything happening within a 100 yard range.

This will include any seditious (anti-Gordon) comments, as well as numbers of fags, glasses of wine, lungfuls of air etc consumed. Seventy quid each, and well worth it.

They just add the cost to your tax.

9
HippoKrite March 22, 2010 at 12:04

You seem to be inferring that pedesatrians are at fault when they get run over! Not all pedestrians are overweight you know! I wonder what percentage of drivers are overweight who do the mowing down?
I thought you were a libertarian? And yet you seem to think people are abnormal and I suppose should be banned if they want to use their feet instead of driving 50 yards to the shop!
You need to get a grip. Yes, the fuel tax hike is another step too far but don’t blame the pedestrians!

10
Anna Raccoon March 22, 2010 at 13:10

Hippo,
Yes, here I am a Libertarian, suggesting that the only answer is that all motorists commit suicide in their garages to cure the air pollution problem…..and you don’t see the riony.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Never mind.

11
HippoKrite March 22, 2010 at 13:37

I see the irony, sort of. But when you have comments like this
“we have been stamping on our brakes as soon as the overweight zombies step out in front of us”

You seem to transfer the blame to others, which makes your article at the least, bizarre.

12
Anna Raccoon March 22, 2010 at 13:39

Hippo,

Methinks you take it all too seriously…….

13
Tractor Stats and rolling March 22, 2010 at 14:03

Yes get a grip Anna please all this satire is over stretching my lung capacity, blog reading should come with a government health warning especially your wicked style of humour, so dangerous you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. And beware you haven’t heard the last of this as I now intend to set up a BookFace page condemning your flippancy.

14
Anna Raccoon March 22, 2010 at 14:18

Tractor,
Did you see the effort the other night, when The Onion posted a piece saying ‘the Pope forgives victims of abuse’ – Twitter and Facebook were alive with groups forming up to condemn the Pope………After couple of hours it was ‘top of the pops’ on Twitter…daft blighters, none of them had actually read the piece of course…..

15
Biffo March 22, 2010 at 15:14

I do not feel I can comment on this without using language that would shock even myself – so I won’t. I will however be busily praying to whatever gods there may be that Gordon Brown suffers a voting meltdown at the Election, polls the lowest number of votes ever for him personally & is dragged from No 10 completely humiliated – and preferably screaming – having shown himself up on national TV when called upon to admit Labour have lost. Both items to be shown & re-shown ad infinitum on TV, YouTube & blogs everywhere.

16
Gloria Smudd March 22, 2010 at 18:51

Fitting, then, that the World’s first Ferrari theme park will open in Abu Dhabi in September this year.

The theme park will feature the world’s fastest roller coaster ride, giving thrill-seeking Mr Moneybags the experience of being in a Ferrari Formula One car (once Mr Moneybags has been flown there for a Corporate Day pat on the back, 1st class I expect). Cash-splashing petrol heads can experience race-like G-force on the ride before trying out race simulators used by the Ferrari F1 team. I expect you can buy a nice cap with the Ferrari badge on it while you’re there.

There’s also a Driving and Racing School where instructors can give ‘kids’ the benefit of their expert tuition, so make the best of it and take Tarquin and Peregrine over at half term for a bit of Winter sunshine.

Naturally, it’s important that our beloved government shakes yet another tax-stick at us because we are all driving 10 miles to the only Post Office still open and on the way collapsing at least one lung per journey, while at the same time the environmentally aware BBC brings TV schedules to a complete standstill if there’s the slimmest opportunity to squeeze a bit more F1 into the sports schedule. And naturally, it’s important that Ferrari opens a self-congratulatory theme park for the enjoyment of the very rich. Whatever.

Let’s see if Mr Yeo will tax the bleedin’ daylights out of this year’s British Grand Prix and tell the F1 gang that we can’t afford to have all that horrid tyre pollution added to the already noxious level clogging our bronchial membranes, unless of course the F1 people pay our Government loadsamoney to pay for all the spectators’ newly acquired asthma.

Loadsamoney given to our wonderful, caring, sharing, ‘honest-as-the-day-is-long’ Government can sort ANYTHING out, can’t it?

17
Sabot March 23, 2010 at 08:53

Fear not, Uncle Marvo. I’ve been chain smoking all over my MacBook for five years now and it doesn’t have so much as a cough.

18
microdave March 23, 2010 at 10:51

From what I read most of the pollution that this story is about are particulates emitted from the huge increase in diesel engined cars, which the government seems keen to encourage. Having watched as a car mechanic friend of mine “cleaned out” a particulate filter which had become blocked, I’m not in the least bit surprised!!! I find that I have to clean the inside of my windscreen more frequently these days, and the cloth I use has a black residue on it afterwards. This might be an opportunity for the poor Prius owners to hit back by pointing out that their regenerative braking system reduces the amount of brake pad dust released to the atmosphere….