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I am the very model of the Paedo-finder General.

I am the very model of the Paedo-finder General,
I love investigating celebrities, and I’m chastely puritanical,
I twat on Twitter and with privacy I’m economical;
I’ve learned to speak at conferences, colloquia and seminars
I’ve even sent impassioned pleas to European commissars
I never miss a tv slot because it’s free publicity
I cough, name names, tell tales and say it’s all for probity.
 
[Chorus:]
He is the very model of the Paedo-finder General,
He coughs, names names, and says it’s all for probity.
 
There is no universal proof, that celebrities lived a life of sleaze
Nor is there proof the world is fair, nor that they should do as I would please.
I know the Child Protection Law and what evidence is optional.
I’ll bolster your claims with fabrications risible
Of kiss and tell, and witnesses invisible.
Those claims are valid; the Misri-lit book’s revelation
Are all I need, and there’s no prevarication.
 
[Chorus:]
Those claims are valid; the Misri-lit book’s revelation
Are all he needs, and there’s no prevarication.
 
You’ll get nowt from Criminal Injuries Board if you can’t show your claim to it
But I’ll show you the way to get your hands on it.
We wrote the rules, that’s why they’re lax
E’en tho’ your claim’s devoid of facts,
We”ll publicise it right to the max.
In short, I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy,
‘How to cash in on the lives of geriatric celebrity’.
 
[Chorus:]
In short, He’s a smattering of elemental strategy,
‘How to ruin the the lives’ of geriatric celebrity.
 
My financial pursuits have caused a few to call me cynical
I say I’m not – tho’ a tad hypocritical.
When wreathes are laid, I’ll cough and clear my phlegm
I’ll maintain it was the sleaze that did for them.
I serve on committees, none of which do anything
I formulate agendas and debate them with the rest of them
But of current abuse – ’tis not my anthem.
 
[Chorus:]
He formulates agendas and debates them with the rest of them
But of current abuse – ’tis not his anthem.
 
I’ll guard my bank balance by self-interest most astute:
My pursuit of celebrity has become resolute,
On the thinest of facts ‘evidence’ I’ll impute.
I’ll spin the tale with arguments convolute
Until my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, ‘Ridiculous!’
 
[Chorus:]
Until his lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, ‘Ridiculous!’
 
I love to say at any chance that innocence is relative
And urge you to believe the claimant’s cries aren’t speculative –
About this act I haven’t even moments of remorsefulness
I have the utmost confidence in the law’s resourcefulness.
So though I have run quite amok, and you, the taxpayer, will have to pay,
For the children now abused, I am not fussed – 
In short, you won’t see me for Monkey’s Dust.
 
[Chorus:]He is the very model of the Paedo-finder General,
He coughs, names names, and says it’s all for probity.

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